Vilomah, A Word Not Yet Commonly Known, But Hopes to Remain Uncommonly Used

If you were asked, “How would you refer to a person who has lost their spouse, such as a husband or wife?”

You would probably be easily able to answer, “a widow or widower.”

If you were asked, “How would you refer to a child who has lost their parents?”

You would likely be able to answer without much thought, “an orphan.”

But what if someone asked you, “How would you refer to a parent who has lost their child?”

You might have to stop and think about it for awhile, right? And after some thought, you would most likely either settle with admitting that you don’t know of one or suggest the best alternative you could think of, such as,

“a bereaved parent”

…or, if you have a smartphone and/or have access to the internet, you’ll do a search online to find (hopefully) the word:

vilomah (n.) — a parent who has lost their child by death*

vilomahed (v.) — become a vilomah; lose one’s child through death*

It’s surprising, and quite honestly somewhat disappointing, to think that until 2009, there was no specific word that people could use or knew of that would offer a bereaved parent the opportunity to identify as or with, that was clear and specific in its claim. As a matter of fact, even today (as of 2021), it is still not a word that is recognized by Oxford Languages nor is it included in Google’s dictionary (which is provided by Oxford Languages).

Although you’ll see a definition of sorts reported from the search, take note that the description is shown as a snippet and not cited as a definition nor provided phonetics like most words you would try searching with the word “define” proceeding it.

It’s no surprise then to hear that there’s been a petition since 2018 to have it be added to the dictionary but unfortunately, to no avail. Even after 2 years, it’s just shy of approximately 50 signatures from it’s 1500 signature goal. There is even a website which pays tribute to the word as its domain name which is managed by a vilomah herself, who shares her every day struggle since losing her child. A non-profit organization in the UK, has been offering support to parents who suffer silently and hopes to generate more awareness through a universal symbol, similar to the pink ribbon for breast cancer awareness. Yet, among all these efforts, have you heard of or ever thought of using the word, vilomah?

If the answer is “no”, then I’m so glad you’re here.

Because, this page was meant for you.

Literally, YOU!

Now, you know, congratulations! And, that’s just what I had wanted, was for you to know, so that you’d, well… know. That’s all.

If you’re wondering, it’s because I heard that in general, it’s better to have something and not need it, then to need it and not have it. So, I thought I’d help get the word out so that those who don’t need it, will have it or find it before ever having to need it, hopefully.

The unifying symbol of vilomahs all around the world courtesy of Our Missing Peace, a non-profit organization.

*(Definitions above were reworded to be what is believe to be within the standards of Oxford Languages, by yours truly, to help make it easier for them to add it, you know?)

Conclusion

If you’ve been fortunate to never have a need for the word, then I would only hope that you become familiar with the word in the event that one day someone might ask you if there is such a word. Because, no one likes hearing ‘no’ as much as the person who has to give them away. At least, that’s my own personal opinion and belief about people in the world.

So the next time someone asks this uncommonly asked question,

“How would you refer to a parent who has lost their child?”

You will have that “common” sense to say,

“I’d refer to them as a vilomah. Or, as vilomahed parent. It can be used as a noun or a verb.”

…to help make it common knowledge, one day. You will find that it rolls off the tongue quite naturally when you don’t feel any pressure of having to bring up it’s short history, or how it’s still “new”, let alone give a whole long explanation about it. You can just send them here to this page. Let them discover it for themselves if they don’t believe you. Just, remember how to spell it!

“That’s V-I-L-O-M-A-H, and for the verb form just add ‘-E-D’ to the end.”

Then, when they thank you, you can simply say,

“No problem, of course! Just by using it, you’re paying it forward. So, thank you!”

That’s it.

That’s how we’ll do it.

That’s how WE will make sure that it will end up in the Oxford Languages dictionary one day.

Postscript

I mean, c’mon!

How can we let this word be added before vilomah?! It just barely came out like last year didn’t it?!

Answer: Because, it’s being used.

We have to use the word, in our daily language, for it to become a word, not by using our energy to fight for it being a word.

On the one hand, one believes it is a word, and on the other, one only believes it should be a word.

See the difference?

Go forth then, and speak this word into existence!

Inspired by a 2009 piece by Duke Professor Karla Holloway on mourning the death of a child as reposted by Duke Today, in the aftermath of Newtown shootings, on May 26. 2009 in the Opinion section.

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Excluded Text (Word Vomit Trimmings)

While it may go against the natural order of things, particularly the cycle of life for that matter, it shouldn’t have to go against what words are common when it comes to having a universally understood and accepted term that clearly and specifically communicates a person’s circumstance while remaining as silent (figuratively speaking) as the grief of the bereaved itself.

Specifically, when introducing someone to a friend or co-worker, having a specific word such as “widow” makes things more simple to explain that someone has either gone through or is in the process of going through, a grievance that is unimaginable to those who have not yet experienced it themselves and the person being introduced can quickly take mental note of whatever that might mean to them.

I say that quite neutrally with intention. The experience of loss from death varies from person to person, based on their beliefs and social cultures. And, while all lives are equally important, in one way or another there is an insurmountable sense of far greater grief that comes along with the loss of a future generation, of our own offspring, the one that if following the natural order of things, would’ve been the one to bury us as their elders, and not the other way around.

I hope it should be clear by now that no one wishes this sort of experience to happen more often to someone and would more likely would hope it would never happen, if it can be helped of course, either to avoid the experience for themselves or someone they know. That is what is meant by hoping to remain uncommonly used.

But, uncommonly used may result in it not being know. And it’s important to know why it should be known, at least, in my personal, humble opinion.

Duke Professor Karla Holloway, the James B. Duke Professor of English at Duke University, the one who coined the term, shares the journey in what led her to decide to use the word “vilomah” in her 2009 piece on mourning the death of a child. She mentions that “vilomah” may sound odd at first, but it shares the same etymology as “widow” and that we would eventually adapt, just as we have with widow. Her words are much more touch then I could ever do it justice, and you should read it for yourself if you’re interested.

A 2009 piece by Duke Professor Karla Holloway on mourning the death of a child as reposted by Duke Today, in the aftermath of Newtown shootings, on May 26. 2009 of the Opinion section.